As a child, I was unwelcomingly touched by a man at my church on many separate occasions, but I didn’t allow it to deter my faith. I continued to attend church and give God the praises that He deserved. Naively, I thought that God was putting me through my own personal “JOB experience” to see if I would stop believing in him. In my mind, my faith was in God and I felt certain that nothing could come between us.
During Christmas break in 2007, I was alone with a man that I really admired; a man that I knew for a long time and really trusted. During our time together he raped me. I was left alone, confused, and angry.
I was Done with God, but it was complicated.
I wasn’t like most people. I had no backup plan, God was it! I was a Junior in college majoring in Christian Ministries. I was now in college studying to learn more about God and His Word and, at this point I didn’t believe in Him any longer.
I kept it all inside, so no one knew. If I couldn’t trust God and the man that I knew well, then how could I trust any of these people that I had only known for a few years?
I was lost.
I pushed EVERYONE away.
I was a horrible roommate.
My grades suffered.
And I wasn’t communicating with God for the first time in my life.
My life had no meaning without God.
My grades couldn’t succeed without Him but I refused to go to Him, and
I WAS SUFFERING.
It felt like a slow death.
-Nothing Mattered To Me Anymore-
One day, while walking to a Chapel service, in desperation I spoke to God for the first time in months.
This is what I said:
“God I know that I haven’t been talking to you, but I am here now. If you don’t want to speak to me I totally get it, but I am going to give it a shot. I am going to this service and I need you to speak to me. If you are real, I need you to show me now because I cannot live like this anymore.”
I went to that service, swiped my card at check in, sat in the back row, and I began to listen. The songs were all catered to how great God is, and on how much He loves us. The message began and it was on how God steps in right on time.
“What? This is what you give me?”
In the middle of the sermon, I got up and walked out.
As I walked back to my room I talked out loud to God.
“YOU come right on time?! Well, YOU didn’t come when I cried out to you during Christmas break, now did you?”
I continued to walk and laughed at the thought that this could be a part of His plan.
-I was hurting and I couldn’t take it anymore-
I walked all the way to my dorm, I reached my door, turned the key, and entered into my room.
I went straight to my desk and I cried for the first time in months as an overpowering sense of helplessness over took me.
I began to Think to myself
Is Hell real?
I guess I am about To find out.
I reached down and pulled a bottle of Advil from my bottom drawer and sat it on my desk.
Suddenly a desire to write came over me.
I loved to write so I thought that a suicide letter would be appropriate.
I pulled out a notebook and my favorite pen.
-In class I learned to begin with thanks before bringing any request to God; so that is what I decided to do. I would thank God for a few things and then list the reasons why I couldn’t live any longer.
This was my suicide letter:
If you are real you have definitely not come on time. I am going to commit suicide today but before I do I want to thank you for the things that you did do for me.
God when I was born I was addicted to crack cocaine, and it was an uphill battle. You saw me through it -Thank you.
When I was 3, we were in a very bad car accident. I am told that for weeks after being unconscious, the doctors didn’t believe that I was ever going to come around; but I did. Then when I did they were expecting me to lose consciousness again, but I didn’t. Then I am told that it was expected that I wouldn’t be normal due to my injuries but I guess I am as normal as you can expect your average person to be- Thank you.
My grandma adopted me and my sisters when no one else would. She didn’t have to do that but you blessed her with the heart of sacrifice – Thank you.
Through all of the surgeries that you brought me through- thank you.
Through all of the sexual abuse that you brought me through as a child- thank you.
Through the depression – thank you.
When I didn’t have a friend, you were there- thank you.
The fact that I am in college- thank you.
For the last minute tuition contributors that you used to help me over the years – thank you.
For my God given gifts and talents- thank you.
The letter ended that way. I didn’t need to go any further. I could clearly see that God was listening to me on the way to chapel. In the chapel service, the songs proclaimed that God is great and that He loves us so much, and I could now see that my life proclaimed the same. As I opened the bottom drawer and put the pills away, I knew that the speaker was right in saying that God steps in right on time.
Things weren’t magically fixed that day. The next year, I began going to the campus counselor regularly, and it really helped me. I eventually went to my roommate, from that terrible year, and finally broke down to her – and we are still friends to this day. I ended up graduating a year later than planned, but thank God I did graduate. I met a great guy and he also helped in showing me that all men aren’t bad. We are married and now have a daughter of our own.
Life isn’t a fairytale but I do believe that there is a God out there. I believe that He loves each of us. I believe that he does step in right on time and that He has a plan for you and for me.
I share this story in order to be transparent with my readers. Yes, I am a Christian but there was a time of uncertainty for me. I am not without spot or blemish. I don’t see myself as being any higher than anyone else because I know how it feels to be so low. I know what it feels like to be uncertain of the God that you have known all of your life. I know what it’s like to feel alone. I know how it feels to be lost.
The good news is that God is real and that if you call on Him, with an open heart, He will answer in a way that you will understand.
I encourage you to try Him for yourself.
Also, if you are a victim of rape and/or sexual assault don’t fight it alone. If you don’t have anyone to talk to try this website: http://www.aftersilence.org. It was a HUGE help to me in those years of recovery. It is an amazing community of people. and once you get accepted into the community, you will find so much support from people who truly understand. I also found that it helped me when I helped others on their quest for healing.
Please Know that It does get better!
This is not sponsored in case you’re wondering 🙂
If you would like prayer click here, I am more than willing to pray for you. This prayer invitation is extended to everyone not just victims of assault and/or abuse. To contact me simply click here and leave me a message.
Thanks for reading and I will see you again next week,